Folks, I want to alert you to a conspiracy to fatten every single American who goes out to eat. We’re not talking about aliens who are slowly taking over by injecting small amounts of cellulite into us every night; that’s just a known fact that’s been on the cover of The Sun. What we’re talking about here is a concerted effort by a national restaurant chain to make our collective deaths just a tad bit quicker.
The restaurant chain in question is Golden Corral. For those of you unfamiliar with the name it is one of those “all you can eat” restaurants where, for a minimal fee, you can load up on greasy, fatty foods that will clog your arteries, decrease your breathing and allow you to make your own sundae. A place where the seats are made bigger to fit the wider girth of its patrons. It’s a restaurant that I normally wouldn’t give two overly buttery biscuits about. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately in this case, something I saw in one of their recent commercials troubled me to the point of putting finger to keyboard.
The restaurant’s current campaign promotes their new Applewood Grill entries — three select cuts of meat wrapped in Applewood bacon. There’s the sirloin fillet wrapped in bacon, which seems okay; the chicken breast wrapped in bacon, which negates the health benefits of chicken, but is doable; and the pork loin wrapped in bacon.
Uh, what?
That’s right, a cut of pork wrapped in more pork. It’s like putting the pig’s skin right back on its hot, steaming corpse. What the heck is the purpose of this? To give the pork loin that extra smoky taste that it could get if grilled in a certain way? The same could be done by marinating it and throwing the piece of pork on a mesquite grill. If anything, wrapping the piece of meat in bacon, regardless if it’s Applewood or not, destroys the loin itself as well as makes it unhealthy as all get up.
This is why I say a conspiracy is afoot at Golden Corral. Just thinking about the pork-wrapped pork with a side of mac & cheese and a buttery biscuit makes my face break out and my waist thicken. Unfortunately, I see many restaurant visitors taking advantage of this cooked pig masterpieces, bringing them one step closer to an extra-large coffin. I ask you all to resist this and eat something from the salad bar to protest this heinous crime. Or, go to your local butcher or supermarket, pick up a pork loin on your own, and make something a bit healthier in your own kitchen.
Clacked by Richard Keller 
on Jan 26, 2009 @ 10:48 EST5EDT
Ugh. The salad bar isn’t much better. They literally put oil on the lettuce there. OIL on the LETTUCE.