Dude. I hate vegans. I literally cannot listen to somebody say the phrase, “I’m a vegan,” without groaning and rolling my eyes. To me, being a vegan is on par with knowing a lot about wine or reading 19th century poetry in your spare time: you’re clearly a pretentious asshole and any conversation we would have would inevitably be so boring that I’d want to jump out a window… into a carcass of a cow. Wait, maybe that doesn’t make any sense. But maybe that’s because I’m drunk on boxed wine and good old fashioned cow cheese.
I’m a vegetarian and I try to stay away from leather and other animal products, but I swear to God; nothing makes me want to kill a cow more than having a conversation with a vegan. That’s why I never talk about being a vegetarian or get offended when people think it’s stupid. I cannot in any way blame someone for saying, “you’re an idiot; steak is delicious,” when any time I’m in the same room as a vegan, my reaction to them is, “you’re an idiot; cheese is delicious.”
It’s been my experience, and maybe this is just a product of going to college at a liberal arts school, that the type of person who decides to become a vegan is the type of person who comes from a nice family, but is super-pissed about that fact. They’re bothered by the fact that they had it so easy, so they grow dreads, stop showering on a regular basis, and get stupid tattoos of shit in languages that they do not speak. “Oh, that? (haughty sniff) That means ‘freedom’ in Sanskrit,” like I’m supposed to be all impressed that they got some stupid tattoo on the inside of their elbow or whatever.
When I was 18, I got a tattoo too. Not because it was deep and meaningful, or because it had some sort of spiritual significance for me. I got a tattoo because I’m not a tattoo person and I thought it would be hilarious; and guess what? Ten years later that shit still makes me giggle.
So these dreadlocked ratty jeans-wearing motherfuckers always try to talk to me when they find out I’m a vegetarian; like that makes us kindred spirits or something. I’ll never forget the time I was eating with a friend of mine and her vegan friend got on her for putting honey on a biscuit because “honey hurts bees.” My friend had a look of utter confusion, and the dude gave me one of those cringeworthy “amIright?” looks. Well, I laughed in that dude’s face.
I mean, I know that bees are important and they pollinate stuff and we kind of need them, but fuck bees. I put my hand on a fence when I was in the first grade and one of those bastards stung me. If I saw a bee right now I would smack that bee in the face. And pour honey right on its stupid head.
Now I know I’m making broad generalizations and what some would call unfair statements, and I’m sure there are some people who are going to read this and try to tell me about the fact that they’re a cool vegan, or they know someone who just has weird allergies or whatever, but I don’t care. I’m not saying that 100% of vegans are like what I’ve said: that would be asinine. However, 100% of vegans who have been in my world are — and that’s all that matters.
But I don’t have hate in my heart. I love people and enjoy embracing our differences. I would love to meet with any vegans I’ve offended and make it up to you. We’ll go out and get some ice cream.
Clacked by Kona Gallagher 
on Mar 24, 2009 @ 10:00 EST5EDT
I love this so much. Just awesome.
This sums up my feeling every time I see a PETA ad. I’m a vegetarian but sometimes PETA makes me want to gorge on meat.
Same goes for some of the posts I read the ecorazzi website. For the most part I enjoy the website but occasionally they get preachy, judgmental and condescending.
Also, I want to smack people who refer to honey as “bee vomit”.
“dreadlocked ratty jeans-wearing motherfuckers” = Awesome. If Denis Leary were vegetarian I’d think that you would have channeled him there. Of course, you’ve just alienated a huge percentage of vegetarians – or would if they read this blog.
(Fuck ‘em.)
Ugh. Don’t even get me started on PETA. I can’t for the life of me understand how a group has managed to take such a positive concept and make it so heinously obnoxious.
I couldn’t agree more. I used to work at a high end steak house with a Vegan. She talked about it all the time. She didn’t have a problem making 50k a year slinging steaks, but she would sure as hell judge you for eating them.
Vegan- American Indian word for bad hunter
https://www.joeonthetube.com
A Bee Movie has already clearly given us scientific proof that humans need to take honey from bees, lest they become lazy and stop pollinating, which would in turn cause the extinction of all those plants vegans eat instead of meat, forcing them to become carnivores.
Oh yeah, and I always wonder why people are so pretentious about tattoos. People see the one on my arm and ask, what does it mean?
It’s a design and I like it, it doesn’t *mean* anything. Apparently that’s a big no-no!
Kona I love this post. Best characterization I have seen yet. I do not care if some one does or does not eat meat until they start telling me how I am wrong to hunt, kill, and eat meat. And Andrea I agree with you about PETA.
Thanks for the great post Kona and the great comment Andrea. Made my day.
Jeff
Kona, allow me to Internet high-five you.
Now that the tears have stopped streaming down my face — from laughing, not crying! — I’ve got to say that every reason Kona has listed is valid, and she didn’t even begin to touch on the nutritional issues — or lack thereof — of being a vegan.
And someone from my food coop was a vegan and she ate honey b/c she couldn’t figure out how it hurt bees, so not sure if the avoidance of honey is a universal vegan thing or not. Incidentally, same woman was severely deficient in B vitamins and anemic to the point of being non-functional at times, but it wasn’t because she was vegan. Ahem.
This is hilarious! Thanks, Kona! My son would second that, but he’s busy dunking cheese into his yogurt!
Best rant I’ve read all day. I feel exactly the same way; thanks for putting it so well!
compassion does not equal pretension, but you reek of the latter.
fuck’s sake.
Actually it’s you that reeks of pretension Frank. Take the stick out of your butt.
Great post. I loved it and it echoes my thought exactly and I’m not even a vegetarian.