Hold the Meat – Think being a vegetarian is healthy? Talk to me.

fast food flickr koonisutra

You guys, I can make any good thing bad. Plan a picnic; I’ll bring the ants. Go swimming; I’ll bring the lightning. So it goes without saying that I totally have the ability to make even being a vegetarian unhealthy. Now granted, I am a very healthy person: I never get sick, I don’t have allergies, and I had the easiest pregnancy and delivery on the face of the known universe. I attribute these things way more to luck than diet, as I can eat a lot of crap.

I recently returned from a family reunion in Nashville (which is the main reason this very column is a little bit late this week), and while I had a great time, what made it notable was the fact that it was four days of no access to cooking facilities other than a grill, that was bracketed by two 11-hour car rides. In case you don’t recognize this formula, it is the one for a culinary disaster. So for those of you who are still convinced that vegetarians eat nothing but bark and potatoes, allow me to take you on a journey: my road-trip food diary.

Thursday:

Leave the house with a 16 oz. tumbler of coffee and a bag of Wheat Thins Chips.
Stopped for lunch at a diner in Christiansburg, Virginia where I had a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich, that since I forgot to order wheat bread, came on white. Served with soggy crinkle-cut fries.
Stopped at a gas station somewhere in Tennessee, got a Coke Zero, a water, and a King-Sized Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
Stopped for dinner outside of Nashville at a particularly horrifying Ci-Ci’s pizza. I ate some alfredo pizza and a cinnamon bun. I feel gross for even typing that. Blargh.

Friday:

Continental breakfast at the hotel: half a waffle and some coffee.
Met up with my family, who had already eaten, so I skipped lunch.
Dinner was probably the “healthiest” meal I had the entire time: a Morningstar Chik’n Veggie Patty sandwich with BBQ sauce and a baked potato with butter and sour cream (it’s healthy because I had protein!).
I drank way too much red wine tonight. But antioxidants!

Saturday:

Continental breakfast at the hotel. This is a new hotel, so there’s no waffle bar. Instead, it’s the worst hot breakfast I’ve ever seen. I can eat just about anything, but the chafing dish full of egg product that conformed to the shape of the container was just a bit too much for me, as were the grey potatoes. Instead I had coffee, some wheat toast with butter, half a bowl of oatmeal, and a little bit of canned fruit.
We went into downtown Nashville, to a bar that served fried pickles. Since it had been about eight hours or so since I had eaten and I had never had fried pickles, I ordered some. And ate the entire order. With ranch dipping sauce. I also ate two vegetarian egg rolls.
Later on, I needed to stop and find a place to feed my baby that wasn’t a bar or a gift shop. That basically left Sbarro’s, where I ordered a slice of cheese pizza. It was a terrible idea, but to my credit, I didn’t finish it. To my discredit, I ordered the garlic dipping sauce with it.
I drove my kid and my nieces back to the hotel just in time for, you guessed it! More pizza! I had one small slice of cheese, and that about did it for me.
I’m pretty sure at some point I also got a Twix from the vending machine.

Sunday:

The dreaded hotel breakfast. This time the potatoes looked less grey, so I decided to give them, along with the eggs, a shot. I had maybe three bites before I gave up. Chocolate muffin? Why, sure!
Breakfast was around 6:30 am, so by noon, I’m starving. No one seems to have any good food prospects, so I get a Twix ice cream bar from the vending machine. Oh, yes. My hotel does indeed have an ice cream vending machine.
Dinner was a family affair, and I had a vegetarian lasagna that was apparently a Weight Watchers recipe. It involved beans. I also had a huge salad, but with a pretty good amount of blue cheese dressing on it, lest I actually absorb some vitamins.
Dessert was a Godiva chocolate chunk brownie and some coffee.
Some more red wine, but not an ungodly amount.

Monday:

I grab a coffee and a bagel with cream cheese on the way out of the hotel.
We stop for lunch on the road at Taco Bell. I have a seven-layer burrito.
At a gas station, I grab a can of salt & vinegar Pringles, of which I eat half, and a Coke Zero.
By the time I get home, around 7, I feel so sick that I’m unable to eat dinner or even look at food until about 2 pm the next day.

I will give you the small disclaimer that this is not how I usually eat. However, I will be honest enough to say that I do eat all of these things in my life — just not all together like this. Generally, I have a lot more vegetables and other healthy foods, and not nearly as much, well, bullshit. However, I think my point is made: You can still be a vegetarian and be a disgusting human being.

Vegetarians, they’re just like you! Now let’s all bond over some fries.