The Celebrity Apprentice: The Boardroom’s back

by Aryeh S.

They say that the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem. For me, I recognize that I have one but am not interested in recovering from it. That’s right; for some reason, I enjoy The Celebrity Apprentice (3/1 at 9:00 PM on NBC).

Or, to put it more accurately, I enjoy the genre that was created by The Apprentice, circa 2004. I’ve been there since the beginning, and I’ve watched every season. Even worse? I’ve also sat through some of the bastard cousins this show spawned. From sanctioned spin-offs (Martha Stewart) to The Assistant (Andy Dick), The Benefactor (Mark Cuban) to The Rebel Billionaire (Richard Branson), and My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss in between (it was a monkey!), I’ve tasted from the poisonous wells of many of these absolutely idiotic series. And I’ve enjoyed them all. Why?

Unfortunately, I don’t have an answer. Nor will I attempt to provide you with one, or failing that, with an excuse for my sins. I’ve wronged, and I’m well aware of it. But, I’m not about to stop.

There’s just something about these shows, and in particular, the permanent cast (i.e. the boss and his/her advisers) that draw me in. Take The Apprentice, for instance. Donald Trump I can do without (though I love how he yells whenever he speaks to the contestants outside the boardroom), but I was a huge fan of the aged George (Ross) from the beginning. I’d give him a shout-out whenever he made it onscreen. After a while, George went missing. Did he die? Sure, he looks like one of those people who could go any day, but thankfully, all’s well with Trump’s EVP.

Rather, the producers had felt that they could do better. Their experiments with different winners from previous seasons serving as advisers was a flop, but now Trump has brought in the ultimate in mumbling counselors: his son, Don Jr. (Don Don!). I have no idea why, but I love this guy. I think it’s the fact that he’s clearly a successful and capable manager who is being forced to sit on some ridiculous TV set for months at a time because Daddy is still competent enough to alter his will. But bravo to Don Don for being exactly what I’d been missing: someone to give a shout-out to whenever he makes it onscreen!

As for the show itself, I enjoyed the purity of the initial season or two. Once they started mixing the teams up by theme (like sex, education, etc.) things got a little stupid, and interestingly, very lopsided. The move to Los Angeles was futile, except for one gem of an idea: losers sleep outside! By this time, the show had become so inoculated with MBAs and Ivy-League undergrads, top-tier law firm associates and failed i-bankers, that it wasn’t about the dirtiness of the outside that got to them. Rather, it was the sheer indignity of people of their “stature” being forced to live in such lowly accommodations. Watching that was great!

The most recent mistake? Going “celebrity.” In every prior season, I felt as if the contestants’ lives had truly been displaced by the show. Their isolation and uncomfortable living arrangements added the right mix of angst to the otherwise childish drama that they sometimes played out. Last year, it seemed as though the celebrities were just visiting the set, the way they would any other Hollywood backdrop, flying in for their scene and then leaving until the following week. They may very well have moved into that hotel suite (how ugly can those rooms get?), but it never felt as if they’d been forced to leave their lives for the show. The fact that they seemed to only be on loan made their characters very one-dimensional, and as a result, more boring than I thought they could possibly be. Do you really think that Dennis Rodman, et al, will be any more accessible?

The few gems from last year? Being introduced (not literally) to Piers Morgan and Trace Adkins, having my wife ask me if Lennox Lewis had brain damage due to his boxing career (she didn’t realize he was British at first), and seeing Don Don again. Best “character”? Stephen Baldwin. This guy practically introduces himself to his mother every time he calls her. My favorite part was how, in a pinch, he always leaned on his brother, Alec. Clearly, he’s been doing it his entire life. And big bro does not seem to be amused any longer. You could feel Alec rolling his eyes each and every time his caller ID read Stephen. Man, that guy was great!

Who’ll be the next “other Baldwin brother?” Who’ll be the next Piers (not Pierce!) Morgan? Which of those R&B stars can actually sing? Will this year’s Playboy Playmate call on Hugh Hefner in her hour of need? I don’t know, but I’ll tell you what; I’m gonna find out. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.