Merlin – The battle for Camelot, now with a commentary track

(Back in Camelot)

RUBY: Arthur and Gwen are making googly-eyes at each other. Sweet violin music is playing. Little turtle-doves are cooing. The two are eating spaghetti from the same plate … oops, wrong story. I think the writers did a good thing for continuity in reminding us that Gwen and Arthur care about each other. You can’t just ignore a crush that you established so prominently in season 2. That said, I’m still waiting for more Gwen character development. She’s turned into a background player. How about some Merlin-Gwen interaction? They were cute BFFs in season 1, and now that Merlin knows that Morgana is evil, he should be relying on Gwen to keep a close eye on her.

Gwen: Hey Arthur. I miss having lines, so I decided to go into your rooms. I don’t have anything new to say, I’m just going to repeat what Merlin said a few hours back. Except I have girl parts and pretty hair, and it’s dimly lit and expressive music is playing, so when I say it, it seems more meaningful.

Arthur: Oh, I agree. This is much more romantic. You know what I’d really like? If you got to develop a personality and storyline again. I miss those days.

Gwen: Well now that’s just crazy talk, sire.

——————–

(In a dark and atmospheric forest)

Morgana: Hey, sis! What’s up?

Morgause: It’s time for your part in my dastardly, evil plan. Are you ready to be dastardly and evil?

Morgana: Oh, I feel a brief moment of humanity. After all, there are some people in Camelot I must care about. Like Arthur, right? I mean, he is my brother, sort of. And my maid Gwen’s pretty nice.

Morgause: Have I mentioned you get to raise the dead with this super-magical staff?

Morgana: Oh man, hand it over.

——————–

Merlin: Look, honey, I’ve been grocery shopping. And I got all your favorite foods.

Arthur: Merlin, what have I told you about subtlety? We’re like Bert and Ernie, remember? It’s all subtextual.

Merlin: Right, I’ll forget that whole bum conversation from last week, then, shall I?

——————–

Cenred’s Army: Hey Camelot, what’s up?

Arthur: Let’s win this thing so I can resolve my daddy issues!

Camelot’s Army: Raaaaaaaar!

Uther: What the hell is going on? Worst alarm clock ever.

RUBY: During these battle scenes, Bradley looks so damn sexy in his armor. He’s taking down Cenred’s ninja warriors while looking unbelievably devastating and shiny and heroic, and I don’t want the scene to ever end. And then in comes Uther, rushing to the fray like a Greek god of war … does it get any better than this? I think not!

——————–

Gauis: Merlin, I know all I had to do was watch Morgana, but I totally screwed the pooch.

Merlin: Can I trust you with anything?

Morgana: Oh, there’s no need to worry about finding me, I’ll just be over here, raising the dead.

Dead: Hey there.

Merlin: Alright, Arthur, we’re going to die, and before we can die, I think I need to tell you, I have ma-
Arthur: Holy crap, Merlin, that’s a skeleton!
Merlin: Bugger.
RUBY: Merlin producers, if you’re going to blow your whole special effects budget in one episode, please hire some better skeletons. The skeleton acting in this episode was sub-par. All this time you’ve been so good about bringing on fantastic guest actors. Don’t tell me you couldn’t find any classically trained skeletons. What about casting the ones from Pirates of the Caribbean? I’m sure they could use the work.

——————–

(Merlin and Morgana have an epic, sexy fight scene, in which Merlin somehow uses his magic without telling Morgana about his magic, and saves the day. Again.)

Uther: Hey everyone, did you miss me? Well I’m back, I’m sitting on my throne, the crown is on my head, and I’m pretty much the man in charge around here. And I think we all know who we have to thank…

Merlin: Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!

Uther: My lovely ward, Morgana! Morgana, take a bow.

Merlin: Bugger.

Merlin: I know I should hate Morgana, but I just feel awful for her. If only she’d had someone to talk to before she went evil. Someone who was nice, and knew what it was like to have magic….

Gaius: Yes, if only I’d let you talk to her, or maybe talked to her myself instead of drugging her for years. Oh well, it’s not like anyone died from my gross misjudgment!

RUBY: Why do I always get my hopes up? Every week I think Merlin’s finally going to reveal his magic to someone, and IT NEVER HAPPENS. Morgana was practically begging him to tell her his secret. “You couldn’t possibly know what it feels like to be magical! Could you, Merlin? Could you? No, seriously — could you?” I’m jumping out of my seat. “Tell her, Merlin, tell her!” Nope.

Okay, so maybe he was wise to be cautious — especially after Puff warned him about his tendency to trust people too easily — but I can’t help wondering how Morgana would have reacted if Merlin had told her the truth: “I do know what it feels like, you big crybaby! I’m in constant danger of being executed by King Uther, but I still protect him with my life. And I’ve been living with this for longer than you — and I don’t get to swish around in nice dresses and red velvet cloaks all day, doing absolutely NOTHING with my time. So what do you have to say now, Miss Woe-is-me?” And … I guess that’s where Morgana would try to kill Merlin, just like she did in the episode. Because, really, how often does she get to wear her snazzy lady-armor and crouch into sexy stances with her sword?

Merlin: Gaius, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about. You see, sometimes, when Arthur’s acting all noble and kingly or running around with his shirt off, I get this feeling in my tummy and it’s …

Arthur: MERLIN! Where are you? I need to kick you around for comic relief!

Gaius: I’m sorry, my boy, what were you saying?

Merlin: … never mind. The feeling’s gone now.

(Next week, I think there are a few fart jokes we haven’t used, so we’ll be bringing those back. We’re a family show. And everyone loves farting, right? Of course right.)

RUBY: Well … that was charming. Thanks, Julia. And it looks like next week is another Troll episode, except it’s about a goblin. Brace yourselves. We’ll be back.

Clacked by Ruby T.
on Sep 18, 2010 @ 22:32 EST5EDT