Merlin – Gwaine, the good parts version

Arthur: Merlin, you never want to go out with me anymore. Why is that?
Merlin: Because you get jealous at people who hit on me and get into bar fights.
Arthur: I do not. Ooh, look, a strategically placed pub!
Bar Wench: Hey there, hot stuff.
Arthur: Why thank you.
Bar Wench: I was talking about your friend. But I’ve got to go, a conveniently evil man just walked in. Later, sweet cheeks.
Arthur: I’m thinking I should punch that guy who just came in in the face.
Merlin: It’s like I’m talking to a wall. A pretty, pretty wall.

———–

Gaius: Merlin, where have you been? And why do you have a shirtless hair product model with you?
Merlin: Oh, this is Gwaine. He saved my life and now he’s hurt. I think we should fix him. I have a feeling he’ll be a great knight one day.
Gaius: This is odd. I have the strangest sense of déjà vu.

———–

Gwaine: Merlin, has anyone ever told you you look pretty in the sunlight?
Merlin: Uh, Arthur’s mentioned it once or twice. While drunk.
Gwaine: Ugh, that Arthur. What a tool.
Merlin: Only sometimes. Like when there’s a tournament or melee comes up. Then I’m sort of the medieval equivalent of a football widow. But mostly he’s a very nice guy. With great pectoral muscles.
Gwaine: I also have excellent pectorals.
Merlin: … Wow. No kidding.

———–

Bar Brawler #1: Let’s see, we’ve got ourselves some magic swords, some magic disguises, and a thirst for revenge. Is that everything we need to go kill Prince Arthur?
Bar-Brawler #2: I think so, I’m just worried, because I’m pretty sure this exact same plot was tried in the second episode of season 1, and that didn’t work out so well.
Bar Brawler #1: Yeah, but this time there are two of us. I’ll be Oswald, and you can be … I don’t know. Someone who isn’t named Oswald.
Oswald’s Friend: For the record, this idea still sucks.

———–

Gwaine: Oh hey, pretty lady. You’re looking good today.
Gwen: I’m sorry, were you talking to me?
Gwaine: I was just wondering if your dad was a baker, because you’ve got yourself a great pair of buns.
Gwen: Oh look, I think I hear someone calling me.
Gwaine: I’m just saying, if I could re-arrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.
Gwen: You’re cute, but I have to go.
Gwaine: …but you haven’t even seen my abs yet! Nothing?

———–

Gwaine: Sorry I got drunk last night, and we have to work off the bill now, it’s just that I’ve got some giant, unresolved daddy issues.
Merlin: We’re going to have to start a club where we all talk about our feelings, aren’t we?
Gwaine: What?
Merlin: It’s just that my dad died in my arms, and Arthur’s never going to be good enough for his dad. Really, we should try group therapy. Talk out our daddy issues  like men, you know?
Gwaine: It’s a good thing you’re adorable, Merlin.

———–

Merlin: Dammit, I just uncovered another plot to kill Arthur. Can I not go one week without this happening? Why does everyone want to kill him?
Gwaine: Because he’s a jerk?
Merlin: You be quiet and look pretty.

———–

Oswold: Merlin! Why were you in my room? Why do you have my magic sword? Why are you groping my bare chest while I was sleeping?
Merlin: Look, Arthur doesn’t mind when I … I mean, he’s always so cold when he sleeps so….
Oswald: Be quiet so I can kill you.
Gwaine: Not if I kill you first!
Merlin: Gwaine, what did you show up? Why are you making so much noise?
Uther: What in the sweet fancy Moses is going on? Arrest this man and have him hanged, he’s interrupting my beauty sleep.
Arthur: Father, I can explain. Actually, I can’t, but I like this guy.
Uther: Fine, just get him out of my castle.
Merlin: That … did not go according to plan. But hey, Arthur saved your life. I told you he was hot stuff, right?
Gwaine: I’m starting to think you’re not totally making that part up.

———–

Gwen: So, I was thinking, you are awfully cute. I do have this thing for knights who are kind of dark-haired and badass and common.
Gwaine: … yeah, well, I’m leaving. Take care of Arthur.
Gwen: Arthur’s great, and kind, and noble, and has a fantastic ass on him, and…
Gwaine: Oh, so that’s why you wouldn’t get all up in this.
Gwen: I’m not the only person who says that, you know!
Gwaine: Oh, I know, I just left Arthur’s boyfriend saying the same thing.
Gwen: What?
Gwaine: Damn, this is going to be awkward.

———–

Uther: Hey son! Here’s my sword, all ready for you to go fight in the melee, which you have to win or I’ll never love you. Good luck!
Arthur: Thank you, father.
Merlin: Look, Arthur, have you ever noticed how I’m always right, but you always go and ignore me and nearly die?
Arthur: It’s happened on occasion.
Merlin: Any chance that if I tell you not to fight today, this won’t be one of those times?
Arthur: Nope. If I don’t fight, who’s going to stand there looking all sexy and sweaty and noble?
Merlin: Dammit. You do make a good point.

———–

Morgana: I love melees! So much bloodshed and destruction!
Arthur: I’ve survived as the victor once again, clearly on my own with absolutely no help from anyo-
Gwaine: Ahem.
Arthur: Oh, you did some stuff too.
Merlin: And I did … nothing. As usual. Nothing suspicious at all.
Arthur: Merlin, I’ve been wondering — what is it with you and your dark-haired, freakishly good-looking strays that happen to be amazing warriors with a crush on Gwen? And why do they always leave at the end of the episode?
Merlin: Got me. Want to run off into the sunset together? We’ll be shoving each other, so it won’t be gay.
Arthur: Sometimes, Merlin, you have the best plans.
Merlin: Does that mean you’ll agree to go to couple’s therapy with me?
Arthur: Not a chance.

Clacked by Julia Hass
on Oct 02, 2010 @ 19:42 EST5EDT