Dear American Idol Judges:
I would like to propose a new feature for Wednesday evening’s show: Critique-O-Dunk Tank.
Here’s the premise: Superlatively dumbass statements or cheery critiques offered during the review of a contestant’s performance will result in your asses being dunked in cold water. You will remain underwater for 30 seconds. Between commercial breaks, those who are “all wet” (and that would be all of you, I’m guessing) will be taken back stage, blown dry with industrial, heavy-duty, 400 mph portable driers, then deposited back in your “seats” for the next contestant’s performance.
The Rub? With each successive emersion, you will remain underwater 15 seconds longer than the previous “trip.”
The way I figure it, you guys will get the picture soon enough.
You see, while we originally wondered what Idol had in store for us with Simon Cowell having left last season — and the unknown of new judges coming on board — we were thrilled with the new dynamic. Jennifer? Steven? Your initial moods appeared light and funny, you were both fresh and airy, and you lent optimism to the new year. We really didn’t miss Cowell’s vitriolic words or scowl in the least.
But coming into the actual competition, your cotton candy comments have definitely lost their luster. Truth be told, you’re not only confusing the contestants by giving them false hopes with your unconstructive critiques, you’re befuddling the voting public into thinking things are okay when they really aren’t. There have been some horrendous performances up there on the Idol stage and you haven’t been true to many of the Idols come the end of their songs.
Case in point: Stefano Langone. Stefano should have been tossed a week or two ago, but he still remains. Talk about stringing somebody on. Additionally, Paul McDonald has worn thin. Haley Reinhart is another one on the bubble, too. The last entirely justified ouster was Thia Megia; at least that made sense. Thing is, you guys really didn’t have anything to do with that, did you? At least the public saw through your charades and gave her truth speakin’ by voting her off.
You see, whereas you no longer have any say in who goes home and who stays, you do still have influence. And that influence hasn’t been good for quite some time … not since the auditions, matter’n fact.
Enough with the fluff, guys. Into the tanks with you until you can figure it out. In so doing, I predict it won’t take long for you to get your acts together.
JLo? Randy? Steven? I know you’re not with me on this Critique-O-Dunk Tank thing, but trust me. It will work out in the end.
Clacked by Michael Noble 
on Apr 12, 2011 @ 15:42 EST5EDT
*POST AUTHOR*
. . . . .
“Critique-O-Dunk Tanking” sounds so much better than, say …
… “waterboarding” …
Don’t you think?
This is great. I agree that they’re too soft this season. I think Randy’s actually trying to be the guy who “keeps it real.” However, I don’t really think he’s doing anything differently than before. It’s just that now, he’s pretty much the only one with negative comments.
J Lo sometimes has “constructive” criticism, but only in terms of random, vague dumb things like “I want you to just be you” and stuff. Ha ha. Steven Tyler, while delightfully quotable, doesn’t want to be really honest. Or maybe he really doesn’t hear anything weird, in which case he is being honest, but just has weird taste.
In any case, the judges at least used to say things like “When I heard the playback, I realized it wasn’t that good.” There’s none of that in this season. I think Simon might have been the only one to mention things like that, come to think of it.
Hey Michael, I like the Criique-O-Dunk idea. LOL! The judges really have left me with a “what???mouthing dropping face” with some of their comments. However, and although they are not my favorites, I don’t agree that Stefano, Paul and Haley have done a poor job. It is just that their performances weren’t as good as the others but I still thought they did have a pretty good performance. JMO!
My husband suggests that they need to get the idea more quickly and it wouldn’t hurt to put increasing numbers of piranha in the tank as you increase the time under water.
But then, he kind of approved of the “waterboarding”, too.
By Jove! I think you’re on to something……. !
However, if JLo starts singing and dancing in front of the industrial strength fans, she will need additional punishment that she won’t enjoy.
I’ll think on it…………..
Ah ha…the Chinese Water Torture Cell…but…they have to be dunked as Houdini.