Dancing With the Stars – Season 13 … bigger and better!

It’s time to get back to the ballroom as Dancing With the Stars opens its 13th season that is sure to be bigger (literally — didja see that three-storey set and the raised dancefloor?!) and better than ever, with a list of pretty awesome stars (yes, real ones) and a few who stretch the term. The first episode wasn’t bad at all — no disasters of Master P proportions — and there are some early front runners … but we saw what happened to last season’s Ralph Maccio after burning up the dance floor early on in the competition. It’s hard to pick a real finalist at this point, and it’s also hard to say who’s going home tomorrow but I’ve already got a couple of surprising favorites that I hope to see more of as the season progresses: Ricki Lake, Chynna Phillips, Carson Kressley and Chaz Bono.  Let’s keep the posts controversy-free and have a look at the dancing!

Ron Artest & Peta Murgatroyd (Cha-cha): Ron didn’t do bad, had some okay moves but at least he didn’t plod around the floor. Len didn’t like all the shimmy, Bruno thought his height was a problem for a dance that requires some quick, sharp moves, and Carrie Ann said it was all wrong for technical reasons. Score — 14. Ron thought he deserved a 12.

Rob Kardashian & Cheryl Burke (Viennese Waltz): While watching the dance, I felt he was too walky with not enough glide, but he did have nice hand extensions. The judges agreed. Bruno thought he was too stiff, Carrie Ann sees potential but he was too rigid, and Len was not impressed or depressed, but he felt Rob was too careful. Score: 16. Will viewers care about keeping him in?

Kristin Cavallari & Mark Ballas (Cha-cha): The girl has some moves and flitted around the dance floor. Carrie Ann was excited and said Kristin shines and sparkles, and managed to keep up with Mark. Len thought she was light, lively and had lots going on. Bruno thought she looked dizzy in turns, but has hotness. Score: 19. Her biggest hurdle will be the viewers not knowing who she is.

Chynna Phillips & Tony Dovolani (Viennese Waltz): Chynna was lovely as she just glided around the dancefloor. Len felt it was as close to the best first dance as he’s ever seen. Bruno said she had musicality (natch), lyricism and talent, and Carrie Ann said she was gorgeous perfection. Score: 22 (with the first 8 from Carrie Ann).

Nancy Grace & Tristan MacManus (Cha-cha): I never realized Nancy was that big, and I’ve spent many an evening having a few laughs at her expense while watching her hystrionics on TV … but she impressed the heck out of me tonight! She’s this season’s Twinkle Toes (female division). Bruno was also impressed, said she had the moves but needed to believe in herself more, Carrie Ann said she had spunk and sass, seemed really happy but had to remember the choreography. Len felt the dance was underwhelming. Score: 16

David Arquette & Kym Johnson (Viennese Waltz): Another impressive performance, David had some super-fast footwork and was really into the dance. It was nice to see Courtney Cox, daughter Coco and Paul Reubens cheering him on. Carrie Ann also felt David got a little lost in the dance, told him to relax a little, but she liked it. Len said there was no messing about and he was impressed, but told David to stop showing his mistakes in his face. Bruno also said he got tangled up and was too much in his head. Score: 18

Elizabetta Canalis & Val Chmerkovskiy (Cha-cha): Elisabetta started very strong, but totally fell apart towards the end. Len didn’t like the bed prop and malarky  at the start, and said she got weak as the dance went on. Bruno liked the bed, but also said she fell apart once she was out of her partner’s hold. Carrie Ann echoed the other judges, and told her to think like a runway model and listen to the music when she’s dancing on her own. Score: 15

Hope Solo & Maksim Chmerkovskiy (Viennese Waltz): Loved Hope poking fun at Maks in the package as he told her to grip his massive muscle. She said it was flabby and showed him what a real muscle looks like. In the dance, she was surprisingly lithe and agile. Bruno said she has a bright future, great musicality but needs a little more control. Carrie Ann thought the body contact and holds were outstanding, and that she had gorgeous lines. Len liked her posture and lines but said she needed more femininity. Score: 21

Carson Kressley & Anna Trebunskaya (Cha-cha): Carson was all over the place, but in a good way. Very entertaining and did a great Mick Jagger move. Carrie Ann said it was her favorite dance of the night on sheer entertainment value, but the technique needs work. Len thought it was a piece of great entertainment, and Bruno couldn’t decide if Carson was doing Mick or Bianca Jagger, but he loved it. Score: 17

J.R. Martinez & Karina Smirnoff (Viennese Waltz): A mesmerizing and very strong performance for someone who has never danced before. Len said it was just right, up there with the best of the night. Bruno said he needed a little spit and polish, but it was a beautiful dance. Carrie Ann thought he made some genunine emotional contact with his partner and the audience, a rare feat for a first dance. Score: 22

Ricki Lake & Derek Hough (Viennese Waltz): Ricki sure got the lucky draw with the returning Derek in her corner. Her dance was beautiful, with nice gliding movement and real emotion. Bruno loved it, Carrie Ann said that the two were like parts of one person finishing each others’ moves with some fluid movement. Len didn’t think her footwork was great, but the movement was elegant. Score: 20

Chaz Bono & Lacey Schwimmer (Cha-cha): For someone who is admittedly overweight (Chaz, why didn’t you stick with the Celebrity Fit Club regemin? You did so well there!), Chaz was very nimble on his toes with some very fast footwork. My nomination for Twinkle Toes (male division). Carrie Ann said he did not disappoint after all the anticipation. Len called him Razzamatazz Chaz, saying the dance was enjoyable, with good footwork and attitude. Bruno thought he was cute, had good timing and should be proud. Score: 17

So who were your favorites and who should go home Tuesday? If I had to guess — and I do — I’d pick either Rob or Elizabetta as the first casuality of the season. Tune in for the Results Show, and I’ll chime in here if anything drastic happens.

“All sizzle, no sausage.” — Len on Ron’s first dance

“Nancy, I had no idea you were so lavishly gifted.” — Bruno, leering at Nancy Grace’s boobs

“I’m not the most coordinated person. I do put the ‘C’ in Caucasian.” — Carson Kressley

Clacked by Chuck Duncan
on Sep 19, 2011 @ 23:11 EST5EDT