The Bachelor – Panama Jerk

Once upon a time, there was a young royal called Bachelor Ben who was in search of true love, perhaps a wife and definitely one or two booty calls. Bachelor Ben’s producers advisors assembled a court of  maidens from far and wide to vie for his affections. These maidens would use their charms, both physical and mental (OK, mostly physical. Eh, pretty much all physical.) to try and catch his eye and his attention in hopes of making a connection to establish true love. Bachelor Ben, his producers advisors, a gent called Confidant Chris and the maidens of his court travelled far and wide to exotic locations to share in adventures during which relationships would perhaps be formed and personal chemistry tested. This was known in the court as “being on a journey.” The activities in each location followed a certain formula: after a couple of adventures had been completed, partaking of sucking face had commenced and some celebration parties held, Bachelor Ben would gather the maidens of the court together for a ceremony during which he would bestow a rose of approval to those with whom he found favor. Those maidens who did not receive a rose of approval were asked to pack their bags and leave the premises immediately, never to return, save for a post-journey reunion special. But that is another story for another time.

The Bachelor entourage made a stop on its collective journey to the beautiful city of Panama City, Panama. It was there that Bachelor Ben, apparently feeling more and more comfortable in his position as the object of the maidens’ desire, began to show his true colors. He announced that he wanted to spend some one-on-one time with Maiden Kacie B., she of the constant annoying giggle, which was once girlish and is now something akin to what one might hear on a program about hyenas on Animal Planet. (Bachelor Ben: “Water is wet.” Maiden Kacie B. “Oh Ben, you are so smart. AHAhahahaEEEEEEEhahahahaEEEEEEHAHeeee.”) During their dinner, Maiden Kacie B. shared with Bachelor Ben the details of a serious issue in her past — her battle with an eating disorder. Bachelor Ben offered the appropriate verbal platitudes –“(her eating disorder) has helped her develop into the strong woman she is today” but his eyes and expression were not as sympathetic as they were a classic example of the “smell the fart” acting style. Hmmmm. Is that a whiff of insincerity that wafted off of Bachelor Ben?

Several maidens went on an adventure with our young royal, traveling by boat through beautiful jungle scenery down the Chagres River to the village home of the indigenous Embera people.When they arrived the maidens were whisked away by the women of the village and re-dressed in traditional attire of beaded tops and floral headdresses. All of the maidens were modest and kept their bikini tops on underneath the pretty beaded tops — except for Maiden Courtney the Model, who opted to go au naturale.  And talked about this fact endlessly, even noting at one point that the beads were cold. Bachelor Ben, who was re-dressed by the village chief into a loin cloth and stuff that did nothing to enhance his slightly pasty and meh physique, noticed immediately that nothing came between Maiden Courtney the Model and her native Embera-wear. As did the young Embera gents. Look for a web-only special where the boys of Embera become men watching Maiden Courtney the Model shake what the surgeon gave her. The other maidens were less than pleased with Maiden Courtney’s behavior, whispering, smirking and snarking. They failed to remember that below the travel and champagne and periodic makeout sessions, this journey was in fact a competition and not just a sorority mixer. Although she was just one move away from peeing on Bachelor Ben to mark her territory, Maiden Courtney showed time and again that she truly understood the true nature of this whole experience.

The entourage shared champagne and conversation and some saliva after their trip to the village. The maidens are bold with their actions towards Bachelor Ben — Maiden Lindzi boldly referred to him as her “boyfriend” and Maiden Courtney shared her room number with him along with an invite to come up and see her sometime to just “lay there quietly.” (Yeah — you read that right. What the hell does that even mean?) Shy Maiden Jamie attempted to garner some private time with Bachelor Ben but was usurped by Maiden Courtney, resplendent in a white bikini, cavorting in the pool behind the seating area. In a move that displayed his still vibrant inner 12-year-old boy, Bachelor Ben admitted that he found it hard to concentrate on Maiden Jamie while Maiden Courtney did her thing in the background. Hmmmm. Is that the façade of shallowness we see emerging on Bachelor Ben?

Maiden Emily, who has long been wise and vocal about Maiden Courtney’s shenanigans, shared a wryly humorous moment with Bachelor Ben, breaking whatever tension lingered after her candid comments and subsequent chastisement during a previous conversation. The swapping of spit with Bachelor Ben continued to spread the benevolent joy of reconciliation and Maiden Emily attempted to make nice with Courtney by apologizing for her attitude and behavior towards her competitor. Maiden Courtney, in a move as classy as she is, rebuffs the earnest apology with declarations of never forgiving nor respecting Emily. It seems this Bachelor journey is not all roses and champagne, even when the young royal is not around. Maiden Lindzi received the date rose of approval because she’s good enough, smart enough and gosh darn it, Bachelor Ben likes her.

There is one adventure that the maidens dread being called to take — it is called a two-on-one date. Two ladies, one gent. One lady stays, one goes home, never to return, yada yada yada. Salsa dancing was the activity for this date of doom, with Maiden Rachel and Maiden Blakely taking to the dance floor to try and secure their place in the royal Bachelor court. Maiden Blakely, she of the VIP Cocktail Waitress profession, was practically carried away by her own effervescence and confidence and large, Chiclet-like teeth (the white ones, in case you were confused…) Maiden Rachel was more-low key and cautious, understanding the gravitas of the situation. After showing Bachelor Ben a scrapbook she had made for him about him with him in mind (listen, people on Law & Order: SVU have been arrested for less cause than this…) Maiden Blakely was denied the date rose of approval and was banished to depart in a posh minivan back to the VIP cocktail lounge, never to return. Maiden Rachel heaved a sigh of relief. Bachelor Ben showed, well, nothing new. At least to us. Call this one a break-even, gentle readers.

A surprising turn of events brought Confidant Chris to make a rare, non-rose ceremony appearance. One of the maidens, Casey S. (Who?) had been found out to have a an unresolved relationship with a dude who still considered himself her boyfriend.  This distressed Confidant Chris greatly. In the name of being open with fun facts and open for love, her conundrum was made public. Barefoot and wearing an unfortunate jean romper, Maiden Casey S. (Who?) was confronted about this relationship and she tearfully tried to make sense of it all. During the tirade of wailing tears and incoherent sentences, she uttered what may perhaps the greatest eight words ever uttered on this or any other journey in this franchise: “Maybe I should be in therapy or something.” She was ushered up the back stairs, still barefoot, to sit in judgment by Bachelor Ben. Immune to her horrific (and I do mean horrific) wails, he dismissed her with a terse, “I think you should go home,” said with the same affect the Queen of Hearts had when she uttered, “Off with her head!” How dare a maiden have feelings for someone other than Bachelor Ben — even a maiden who never appeared to be on his short list. Hmmmm. Is that the inflation of ego we see enlarging Bachelor Ben’s head? PS: Maiden Casey S. (Who?)  was whisked away, shoeless and weeping, never to return. But you probably already figured that out, gentle reader.

Shy Maiden Jamie, meanwhile, was determined to garner her share of alone-time with Bachelor Ben and show him how alluring she can be before the next rose of approval ceremony. In a moment of cringe-worthy awkwardness perhaps never before seen on this or any other reality show franchise, she tried to seduce him and orchestrate a very sexy moment. With direction on how to kiss. An uncoordinated lap dance. And a complete lack of anything sexual. At all. Imagine your first kiss with the object of your desire. Perhaps in middle school. When the only other thing you’d kissed was your nana’s cheek and maybe your pillow. Got it. Now multiply the horribleness of that by like 27. And then you ‘ll understand the essence of  this very bizarre scene. In perhaps the most un-dramatic rose of approval ceremony ever, Maiden Jamie is denied a posy and is asked to leave the Bachelor court, never to return. Bachelor Ben cannot be blamed for making this decision, as it was truly the only logical one to be made.

Throughout this installment, not only did the producers advisors show us the beauty of Panama, but also the true nature and horrific hair of Bachelor Ben. Is this a case like that of Samson — does the secret to Bachelor’s Ben personality lie with his hairstyle? The more shaggy = the more insufferable he becomes? He displayed more of a sense of entitlement and callousness than the expected warmth during most of his time spent with the maidens. Where’s the sense of humor? Can he think with anything other than the shallow part of his brain? What do the maidens see in him? And when, much like the child in Hans Christan Andersen‘s tale, will someone declare that the Bachelor has no clothes. Or personality. Or empathy. And terrible hair.

We will have to wait for the next chapter of this cautionary fairy tale (in Belize!) to find out. Thank goodness.

To be continued…

Clacked by Jane Graves
on Feb 08, 2012 @ 14:04 EST5EDT