This week, we’ve got some great stuff from The Celebrity Apprentice, Happy Endings and even, at the bequest of fellow Clacker Michael Noble, something from last week’s CBS Sunday Morning. I’m not kidding, boys and girls, that is just how far the Clique will go to bring you the funny, poignant or shocking.
“I guess you and Betty White went to elementary school together.” — Clay Aiken to George Takei
“We should put some reflective tape or something on Arsenio.” — Dee Snider, looking at Arsenio Hall against a dark background
Alcatraz (Review)
“I’m waiting for Dandruff Guy to show up.” – Soto
“Dandruff guy?” – Madsen
“Hauser’s think tank dudes behind the door. He doesn’t tell me their names so … there’s Dandruff Guy, Two-Shirts, Glasses and the Whistler.” – Soto
“Oh my God, did you hear him last week? He did the entire score of Les Mis.” – Madsen
“Chet, either you pull the manual in the next ten seconds, or I’ll tell Rebecca you own the Twlight movies on Bluray!” – Soto
“You’ve got confirmation Hauser’s human? I’ve met a lot of human. I’ve gotta say, I don’t see it.” – Soto, beating me to the punch as I was writing down a similar comment
“From now I want them all alive! [walks away]” – Hauser
“He does realize he’s the only one who shoots them, right?” – Soto
“I don’t like to read when I drive.” — Adam Ferrara
“I drank my weight in water…” — Rutledge Wood
“…so there’s a missing lake somewhere.” — Adam Ferrara
“And everybody realizes that you two left me out there to die.” — Adam Ferrara
“Chris Jones is like the child you never really want.” — Edward
“Does he get his ideas by like spinning around and then falling on the floor?” — Hugh Acheson
Whitney (Review)
“Haven’t I mentioned Chloe? I must have mentioned her …” — Alex
“No. And I have a very special gift for remembering ex-girlfriends: Fiona, Jillian and Kiki the back-up dancer who still, to this day, is the only reason I go to the gym.” — Whitney
Happy Endings (Review)
“Oh my God, did you play the valet guy in Ferris Bueller’s?” — Penny
“I didn’t play the valet guy. I am a valet guy. I did that as a personal favor to John Hughes because I used to park his car. Parking cars is my passion. Showbiz is for the birds.” — Guest cameo, Richard Edson
“Neat.” — Penny
“Did not hear that on the DVD commentary.” — Max
“All those summers interning at the John Hughes museum are finally going to pay off!” — Penny
“Penny, I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this – there is no such thing as the John Hughes museum.” — Max
“Ok, Max, then I guess I just went to my softball coach’s basement every day for three summers to watch movies and … oh my God!” – Penny
“Max, look, with every failed relationship, at least you learn something new about yourself. Like when I went out with that male nurse, I learned that I still have a soft spot for dating gay guys. And an actual soft spot. My plates never grew together.” – Penny
Survivor (Review)
“That little Munchkin is about to get knocked back to Oz.” — Colton, after Mike tells him about the conversation between Leif (a little person) and Bill
“Alicia is just dead weight with a mouth.” — Sabrina
“But I do have, like, African-American people in my life.” — Colton, when acused of being slightly racist
“Who?” — Jeff
“[laughing] My housekeeper.” — Colton
“But she’s like a member of our family.” — Colton
“A paid member.” — Jeff
30 Rock (Review)
“None of these little condom accidents could actually make me cry, so I’m gonna rub this under my eyes to help me fake it. It’s an old acting trick I learned from Glenn Beck’s prostitute.” — Jenna
“Jack vs Kaylie round 2, colon, no subtitle necessary.” — Jack
“I misread my calendar. Tomorrow is my colonoscopy. Today was my meeting with Colin O’Scopy.” — Tracy
“My brain is working over time. I finally understand the end of The Sixth Sense; those names are the people who worked on the movie!” – Tracy
“Oh God, don’t adopt. That child is better off in Somalia. It could be a pirate, or a warlord’s concubine.” –Liz to Jenna
Big Bang Theory (More Quotes)
“We’ll miss you Sheldon!” – Leonard
“Yeah, well, who wants to spend the whole weekend running around a bunch of pretend planets battling made-up monsters? That’s for babies!” – Sheldon
“Yeah, but it’s got lightsabers.” – Howard
“[To Amy] Please, Amy! It’s got lightsabers!” – Sheldon
“I’d make fun of Sheldon for having girl problems, if I wasn’t shocked that Sheldon has girl problems.” – Leonard
“We’re always the good guys. In D&D, we’re lawful good. In City of Heroes we’re the heroes. In Grand Theft Auto we pay the prostitutes promptly and never hit them with a bat.” – Leonard
“Those women are prostitutes? You said they were raising money for stem cell research!” – Sheldon
Archer (Review)
“Sorry. Ignore me. My whole thing is I just crave attention.” — Cheryl/Carol
American Idol (Review and Review)
“I must take issue with Steven: He said the song fit Jermaine like an Armani suit. Steven? Armani doesn’t make suits that big …” — Jimmy Iovine discussing Steven’s previous comment about Jermaine Jones
“This campaign has turned fun, dorky Ben into grumpy, stressball Ben. It’s like dealing with a strict mother. Who I am confusingly attracted to. Ben is like a MILF.” — Leslie
“I thought we were having a successful business relationship. I thought the same thing with Suge Knight and Ira Glass. You guys are all alike.” — Ava, after Luke drunkenly hits on her
Grimm (Review)
“Hey … I’m just glad I can be here to, you know, help rescue the woman I’ve never met before … or been introduced to but, you know, hey … I don’t take it personally …” — Monroe to Nick regarding Juliette
Psych (Review)
“Shawn has bent the truth on occasion, but he’s as decent as they come. In fact, he’s the type of guy I’d want my daughter to bring home. Provided he was mostly black. And God-fearing. And she wasn’t really my daughter.” – Gus
The Mentalist
“What’s the drug you’re testing here?” – Patrick
“Osevent. It’s a bone cancer treatment. It has the potential to save millions of lives.” – Doctor
“And earn millions of dollars.” – Patrick
“That’s … not why we developed it.” – Doctor
“No? Why not?” – Patrick
“Do you save lives for the money?” – Doctor
“Well folks are pretty much dead by the time we show up. Best we can hope for is to catch the killer. Did you kill Archer Braddock?”
” … I’ll be talking to you from now on.” – Doctor, to Lisbon
CBS Sunday Morning
“When my kids were little, if they saw me getting my hair and makeup done, they would start crying because they knew that that meant that I was leaving the house.” — Cindy Crawford
“Did that kill you?” — CBS Sunday Morning reporter Tracy Smith
“Are you kidding!? When my kids were little, going to work was a vacation!” — Crawford
Clacked by Ivey West 
on Mar 11, 2012 @ 13:50 EST5EDT
. . . . .
*breathes sigh of relief*