A simpler gentler Gordon Ramsay is not as much fun

I just have to say this to my Gordon Ramsay. What is wrong with you, you DONKEY! Where has all the frustration and angst and throat popping screaming gone? I left this message on your voice mail after watching Masterchef last night, but you never called me back. Even though I stayed awake waiting until 4 A.M., crying in vain while watching reruns of Hell’s Kitchen. Should I start calling you Barry Mellowinow? Please! Someone take those natty duds off him and put him in a chef’s jacket. Because although he looks foxy, it’s obviously affecting his personality.

OK. One man’s (in my case WOman’s) trash is another’s treasure. So those of you who can’t stand Gordon’s hissy fits are probably happy with his demeanor on Masterchef. I myself miss the Gordon of old. Yeah, Joe Bastianich is kind of an asshole, but he’s not half as sexy as Gordon. So that makes him just kind of an asshole, doesn’t it? No bad boy quality there at all. I’m rather disgusted. If I had to pick out one enchanting thing though, I do love the way Gordon pronounces the name of the show. “Mahstahchef.” Yummy! See? I found the silver ling there. I was all positive and crap. I hear that’s important in this economy.

Let’s fillet this sucker, shall we? The challenges keep getting harder. The first is the mystery box. The contestants each have to make a stupendous dish from the box placed at their station. Most people chose to revolve their dish around the obvious pork chop. I have four pages of notes about who cooked what, if you want to come over and read them. But really what it all boils down to for me on this show, is that it’s fun to watch what these “Average Joes and Josephines” come up with! It’s truly amazing to me how innovative these people are, for having no professional experience. And they have a ridiculously small amount of time to prepare these dishes, if we really believe that the producers are telling the truth.

In this challenge, they had forty-five minutes. And as the judges point out, the best way to utilize the time is twenty minutes for prep, twenty for cooking and five for plating. I think I myself would have spent four minutes biting my nails, ten walking in circles, three having to take a nervous potty break, twenty trying not to chop my fingers off, and thirty-seven winking at Gordon. Oops! See! I just lost the challenge! Dammit!

The judges, or Graham, G.R. and J.B., as I like to call them, tasted only the top three. So if your presentation was bad, you were S.O.L baby. Sheena, Jake and Whitney were chosen. Sheena scored by making the only non-pork dish. At least I hope it was, because it was chocolate mousse. Jake, the construction worker, made a tasty looking pork chop with apple compote and cabbage. This guy was an early favorite of mine. He has pretty eyes, and seems nice. How is that for a learned and scientific view? Hey. Most people in Congress base their opinions on just as much.

The winner of the challenge was lil ole Whitney. She’s the twenty-two year old, who talks like a Southern Valley Girl. But she’s one to keep an eye on. The judges dig her because she’s the epitome of what Mahstahchef is all about. Someone who cooks constantly but not for a living, a likable sort, and who tries new things in every challenge. She’s a spitfire too. She has just enough confidence not to be intimidated, but not enough to be obnoxious. (Like fellow contestant David, who’s already picking at her for being young and doing so well. There’s one in every bunch!)

Whitney, as a reward, gets to pick the main ingredient being used in the next challenge. Chinese food. Her choices being exotic mushrooms, mandarin oranges, or duck. She went with the oranges, which limited everyone to pretty much make stir fries. Whitney herself admits she’s “clearly like lost” with the task of cooking Chinese cuisine. The only one who really was excited about it and did well was Slim. And she’s of Oriental descent. I’m not saying she had the advantage or anything here, but she had the advantage.

Judge J.B. had a minor meltdown, as really no one could do anything different or interesting with this challenge. He banged some silverware around and said he was disgusted. But he can’t hold a sterno flame to a true Gordon “hairy,” so I was a bit non-plussed.

My girl Avis was shown the door when all was said and done. I would rather have lost Faruq, because quite frankly, I’m tired of the man crying. But it was Avis. And I suppose rightfully so. Gordon did say it looked like a Chinese dinner you’d “get from a gas station.” And although I’ve never personally tried a gas station stir fry, well I can only imagine!

And there’s more! But I need to check on whatever huge bang I just heard my kitten make in the dining room. Lawd help me. Stay tuned for part two!

Clacked by Tara Shrodes
on Aug 19, 2010 @ 09:00 EST5EDT