Over at TV Squad, I wrote a column that made the front page of Digg. For a low-level blog peddler like myself, making the front page of Digg is sort of like coming across Megan Fox just seconds after she’s made a bet to have a wild night of sex with the first guy she makes eye contact with, regardless of the amount of hair on his stomach or the size of his nipples. It’s fast, intense, and the second it’s over you wish it’ll happen again even though it probably won’t.
I’ll be honest: I felt a little bad for the scrappy underdog you’re reading right now. I wanted to do something that got CliqueClack some notice, mostly because Keith promised that the first person to get on the front page would get a backrub (and maybe something more if the Merlot hits us both the right way).
Because CliqueClack deserves it and because I’m dedicated to achieving a heterosexual male back-rub, I, Ruth-like, am calling my own home run. This article needs to hit the front page of Digg, and I’m about to pull out every stop to make that happen.
How I plan to make this article get to the front page of Digg:
1. I’m going to make it a pop culture list. People love pop culture because it makes them feel smart. Actual culture, on the other hand, makes people feel dumb.
2. I’m going to focus my pop culture list on the ’80s. A huge chunk of the internet-using population is around my age — 32 — and is therefore just old enough to start forgetting bits and pieces of their childhood. If there’s one thing people love more than feeling smart, it’s being nostalgic.
3. That said, I can’t make my pop culture list too sentimental. There needs to be an air of whimsy if it’s going to strike the Digg readers the right way. Something like the “9 Most Awesomely Outrageous ALF Moments” or “12 Nintendo Characters Who Deserved Their Own Sitcoms” or “6 Ways Perfect Strangers is better than Two and a Half Men” should do.
4. My list will be short and pithy. I’m thinking 70 to 80 words per entry max. Any more than that people start zoning out.
5. Because of this, my list won’t have any actual insight to it. But, don’t despair, that’s a good thing. Deconstructing pop culture is the job of a neck-bearded graduate student writing a Master’s thesis nobody will read. Saying, “hey, remember when Arnold and Dudley were touched inappropriately!?” is basically all the insight a blogger needs.
6. I plan, the second a user submits this article to Digg, to immediately (and annoyingly) email it to every single person I have ever known. I’ll do this regardless of whether or not I’ve had any other contact with the person in the last year. I’ll tell them that in my culture “A little help on Digg” actually means, “Hi! How are you!? It’s wonderful to talk to you after such a long period of silence. Please, tell me about your life.” They’ll believe it too because it kind of goes without saying that if you’re going to correspond with me, you’re probably not too bright.
7. I’ll inject the article with a bunch of snark. Snark is the dilithium crystals of the internet: it regulates the interaction between the matter (information) and the antimatter (bullshit).
As you can see, my plan is as solid as the sleep of a Midwestern kid after an all-night Robitussin binge. Now all I have to do is sit back, relax, and wait for the Diggs.
You’re welcome, CliqueClack!
(Editor’s note: We tried to inform Jay that he never actually got around to, you know, writing the article he outlined in this list, but he insisted that it didn’t matter. “Content/Schmontent”, he screamed, obviously high on at least one over-the-counter medication, “It’s in a list! People will Digg it! Now how about that backrub McDuffee!?” We apologize for any inconvenience. P.S. Keith doesn’t drink Merlot.)
Clacked by Jay Black 
on Jan 21, 2009 @ 14:00 EST5EDT
“Snark is the dilithium crystals of the internet: it regulates the interaction between the matter (information) and the antimatter (bullshit).”
Priceless!
“Deconstructing pop culture is the job of a neck-bearded graduate student writing a Master’s thesis nobody will read.” Hey!