My ex-girlfriend was fond of shitty television. She had a sixth sense when it came to locating the most vacuous, albeit addictive, shows on the DirecTV lineup. One of her must-sees was How Clean Is Your House?, airing weekdays at 4pm on BBC America. Domestic divas Kim Woodburn and Aggie MacKenzie, along with their army of cleaners, visit the most disgusting dwellings throughout England to school the sloppy owners on how to keep house.
I’m talking about pigsties here people. Dust buildup and dirty dishes are for sissies. Kim and Aggie are extreme, baby. They dive into the filthiest abodes imaginable. This year they’ve brought their sponges and scrub-brushes across the Atlantic to tackle the worst the United States has to offer. I caught one of the first episodes and it did nothing to disappoint. I’ve got two words for you: cat puke.
Meet Caroline, the jovial horse trainer. She loves her job and her boyfriend too. Too bad her apartment resembles a horse barn. “Dump” is not a strong enough word to describe how foul her living quarters were. Evidently, Caroline was never introduced to a mop or broom. Kim and Aggie wasted no time getting to work.
The first thing they uncovered was dried cat poop on the couch. Lovely. However, feline feces were the least of Caroline’s problems. Willie the cat had trouble keeping his kibble down. The entire floor was coated in petrified puke. Puke in the bed; puke on the furniture; puke in the kitchen. You would think that a horse trainer might know the name of a good veterinarian who could take a look at little Willie.
In addition to the crap and vomit, Caroline’s refrigerator contained all matter of expired food worthy of scientific study. Sour cream, pickles, and onion dip were just some of the items that belonged in a Petri dish. When all was said and done, 40 gallons of dirty water were removed from the carpets and a nasty strain of staph bacteria was identified in Willie’s upchuck. How anyone could live in such ghastly conditions is beyond me. I’d like to think the show is staged, but feigning such a large amount of excrement seems unlikely.
Kim and Aggie offer helpful hints to their challenged housekeepers. Soda water to loosen the rock hard vomit and Beeswax to clean wood tables were a couple good ones. There is a slightly annoying narrator prone to alliteration and awful puns. Here’s a sample: “It looks like the ladies have been a “cat”alyst for Caroline to keep clean.” Ugh.
How Clean Is Your House? is one of those shows you watch on a rainy day or when you’re home sick. It’s good for a few laughs and more than a few cringe moments. Watching the spotless sisters zip through a homely house (damn the narrator!) makes for mindless entertainment. I can’t believe I just penned 500 words about this series. Oh, well. Blame my ex-girlfriend.
Clacked by Scott Tunstall 
on Mar 04, 2009 @ 11:00 EST5EDT
The US has a similar show called Clean Sweep.
I would really like for these shows to add a segment where the homeowners are screened by a shrink. I think a lot of these people that are super nasty are either OCD horders or depressed. Cat puke on the bed just-ain’t-right.