TV in the Movies – Oh those guilty pleasures

I spent most of this past Saturday camped in front of the HDTV, ruining my right thumb by pressing the channel button on my DirecTV remote. It’s not an activity I partake in much anymore, so it was a nice departure from staring at my laptop screen, which is what I usually do on a daily basis. If I had known freelance writing would involve extensive research and fourteen-hour days, for little or no pay, I would have pursued another endeavor. Like, say, life coach. What the hell is a life coach, anyway? A person who teaches you how to eat, sleep and take a dump? I can do that, no problem. I’ll even show you how to pay a bill on time, and explain why filling your car up with gas is important. Life coach … yeah, that’s me.

Before I embark on my brand new career, I guess I should complete this column. Prior to my tangent, I was discussing my weekend veg session in front of the ol’ boob tube. While skipping to and fro through the channel guide, I stumbled upon one of my favorite flicks from the ’80s: a little gem called Can’t Buy Me Love, starring a pre-McDreamy Patrick Dempsey. “Ooooohhh goodie!” I exclaimed. I’ve seen this teen-angst romp at least ten times in my life. Make that eleven. It is one of my chart-topping-best-ever-top-ten-guilty-movie-pleasures-in-the-history-of-time. Which got me thinking….

What films and TV series are my ultimate guilty pleasures? Hmm … I required several moments of solitude to ponder this great mystery. After exiting the bathroom, I felt confident I had compiled the list-of-lists. It was alive, this list; filled with nothing but cringe-inducing goodness. Yes, this pile of reeking trash is one that I love unconditionally. No matter how awful the acting, how empty the plot, or how ridiculous the concept, I adore each and every one of these creative mishaps as if they were my unborn offspring.

Without further ado, I present, in all its glory, my guiltiest of guilty pleasures.

Movies:

• Can’t Buy Me Love – A geek rents the girl of his dreams to help make him popular. There’s an annoying little brother, fart jokes, loose high school chicks, a flaming bag of shit, and a slow clap at the end. This mockery of filmmaking is pure genius.
• National Lampoon’s Van Wilder – This crazy college-campus-caper stars Ryan Reynolds as Van Wilder, a career student who must face the “real world” after his old man cuts him off. Zaniness ensues. It features the always amusing Paul Gleason and Tara Reid, before all the botched plastic surgeries. I’ve seen it six times.
• Red Dawn – The unidentified invading force from Central America is coming! Oh, and the Russians, too. I can’t get enough of this totally unrealistic “war” movie. The cast is a veritable who’s who of ’80s schlock: Patrick Swayze, Chuck Sheen, Lea Thompson, Jennifer Grey, and the venerable C. Thomas Howell. I get downright giddy when this pops up on TNT at 2am.
• Secret Admirer – Yet another winner for C. Thomas Howell; he was is a true thespian. This time out he’s torn between two lovely ladies. What will he do? Check out the movie poster. It’s a brick, with a heart on it. The caption reads: “He never knew what hit him.” It’s so true … so, so true. I’d projectile vomit, but I’m too much in love.

Television:

• Anything on MTV – This includes, but is not limited to, The Real World, The Real World/Road Rules Challenge, Rob & Big, Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory, and any series in any way associated with The Hills. I should be drawn and quartered for viewing this lot. Alas, I cannot avert my eyes from the stomach-churning horror.
• The A-Team – No one ever died. Not in five years. Cars exploded. Houses were riddled with bullets. Helicopters crashed into sides of mountains. Some may classify it as silly and mindless; I prefer to place it in the category of misunderstood brilliance.
• Big Brother – A house full of fake tits and broken dreams. I challenge anyone to devise a series more suitable for human consumption.
• Blind Date – After watching this relationship expose, I’m amazed our species isn’t extinct. Do people this moronic and weird really procreate? Sure they do. Just mosey on down to the nearest Wal-Mart to see the evidence. I can, and have, watched day-long marathons of Blind Date. There’s beauty in its simplicity.

Your turn, CliqueClackers. Hit me up with your big and small screen guilty pleasures. Don’t be shy … we don’t judge in this room.

Clacked by Scott Tunstall
on Aug 04, 2009 @ 12:00 EST5EDT