Charlie Sheen, why are you so crazy? – Open Letters

After watching a week of insane Charlie Sheen interviews which rivaled Whitney’s “crack is wack” phase, Britney’s shaved head, and Lilo from a few days ago, I called a group intervention. Thank you to Michael for the P.S., Erin for the livethesheendream link, Deb/Keith for the twitter knowledge, and Ivey for the second letter.

Dear Charlie,

This is my not-even remotely amorous letter to you, except to say your anti-semitic comments towards your producer, your irrational blaming of Lorre for the show’s downfall (and not CBS executives or yourself), your running/calling/texting every single media outlet in the 500 zillion square region, and your calling your new porn girlfriends “goddesses,” already seemed straight up crazy, but a couple of your interviews last week freaked me out even more, so I have to write you this letter.

Seriously, when Billy Bush seems more intelligent, rational and sober than you, there’s something wrong. When the most obsequious, mentally-stymied interviewer on the planet refuses to say you’re sober, there’s something wrong. When John Stamos mocks you (John Stamos!!), you know something’s wrong. When you, at 45, look older than my 70-year-old father, Marc Anthony, and Christian Bale during his ‘Machinist’ phase combined, there’s definitely something wrong. When all of your interviews become catchphrases, but not in the good way, you know that SOMETHING’S WRONG. You are the new “old white man says.”

If you want to write a tell-all book about the show, realize that 500% of your cast and crew will probably do the same for you. If you want to blame Lorre for not paying for your addiction, realize that several Two and a Half Men, Warner Brothers and CBS staff members that relied on the 250 million revenue your show used to bring in probably already do the same for you. DON’T BRAG about WASTING almost 44 million in one year. ONE WEEK of your SALARY could pay for 40 people at 50k, 50 at 40k, and EIGHTY at 25k.

Your show sucked. I wanted it to fail because of that, not your abhorrent, asshole behavior. Now, I can only hope they find some other former ’80s brat pack star with ten times the  charisma and five times the sanity to helm it for its final year. Maybe not John Stamos, but someone. Hopefully, the show will reach ten times the success and twenty times the revenue.

Yours,

Frustrated, sober humans, The CliqueClack Team

P.S. And Charlie? Regardless of the continuous mirth and merriment you’ve been supplying to us in TVLand, the blog-o-schmear and elsewhere, we really do care about you and hope you get some much need rest and assistance. Really.

P.P.S. Could you give this to your father?

Dear Marty,

Take him behind the woodshed, and fix this.

Thanks!

Clacked by An Nicholson
on Mar 07, 2011 @ 17:00 EST5EDT